Jan 31, 2020

I have learned a great many things since you and I last got together here. The highlights off that list:

  1. When in Vegas, I’m no longer part of the “Let’s party like it’s 1999” population (R.I.P. Prince). Rather, I’m officially in the population lovingly known as “I’m here for work so don’t call after 9:30 or you’ll interfere with Pajamas-in-Bed-While-Drinking-Wine-in-a-Hotel-Cup-and-Watching-The-Wahlburgers time.”
  2. Don’t ever say out loud that you can’t imagine life moving any faster or your schedule getting any busier. I mean, unless you hate yourself and love jinxed karma. We’re all a bunch of masochists!
  3. This trainer has lost five step challenges in a row. Partly because I am not super-human and partly because I apparently need to start running the aisles in places like Whole Foods as I’m working behind a tasting table. Or maybe I’ve learned to stop accepting step challenges from people who run all day.
  4. Jalapeno Wine Lemonade is basically out-performing even my own expectations, as it makes the world’s best shandy (aka: beer + lemonade). “Why would you know this, Crystal? You don’t drink beer.” Turns out anything is possible! Especially if it’s a dangerous combination of jalapenos, wine, lemonade and the bright grapefruit in this IPA. Good things are in the works between us and Boise Brewing this summer, friends.
  5. Fact: You can bake the best, most wholesome dinner on the homestead and your children will still tell you it tastes like “the poop from a Ninja Turtle.”
  6. A more promising fact: You can still make time to exercise while learning above-mentioned valuable lessons and it doesn’t have to completely stink! Want proof? As you wish…

This workout is by far the most-requested by my clients at the studio. The fun part is it can be changed up every time and modified if needed. Have bad knees? Swap out the lunges and squats with more upper body and core moves. If you are getting painfully bored with your current routine I guarantee you’ll secretly enjoy the element of surprise in this workout. Sometimes not knowing what’s happening next is the best way to trick your body into doing hard things.

The premise: Grab 52 cards, preferably not a pinochle deck unless you’re into that sorta thing (LOTS of cardio, if you follow my key below). Place them all in one pile face-down on the ground. Draw one card, perform that exercise before drawing the next card.

For example, according to my handy graphic here – if I draw a 4 of diamonds, I’m gonna do four pushups and then immediately draw another card. Maybe it’s a Jack of Spades. Looks like I’ve got 11 tricep dips! And so on.

Aces are cardio – I like to think of them as Deliverers of 1-Minute Evil (Catholic reference, and a really bad one).

Do this workout until all cards are drawn or until you run out of time. This is the perfect travel workout since all you need is a deck of cards and your hotel room neighbors to stop screaming at each other in Portuguese. Added travel logistics bonus: Airport security people look at you like you’re less crazy than they do when you walk through with a resistance band with handles. Specifically at the Denver airport. Not like that’s ever happened to me…

Wine Workout

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to find some steps. Perhaps at the bottom of a glass of Jalapeno Wine Lemonade shandy…